I want to start writing today by saying, these are some really dark days and I have never encountered days like these in my life before. Now, by dark I didn’t mean there’s no sunshine in Bangalore or the tube-light in my room has fused, but inspite of all the light around, I’m not able to feel it, which makes it dark for me!!
So let me tell you about the last few days, ohh well!! I cannot tell much, but as I already said, its very dark and I’m tired both physically and mentally. Like the sea waves that withers down the rocks on the shore with time, the darkness inside me is breaking me slowly and I don’t know what it will turn me into. I feel a rock is hung to my heart and its weighing me down!!
Alright enough of the depressing stuff, today was another day of humiliation, but now humiliation doesn’t matter. Or actually, when I think as I write, is it linked to the darkness and the rock hanging to my heart?? I don’t know!!
So today after two long months, flying started, and of-course how can a “flying bomb” be given a chance on the first day!! So the instructors usual favorites were given a chance to fly and I stood there and watched. I heard the engine start for a long time, and it soothed my pain, it was such a relief to hear the lycoming engine rumble and roar in all its might!! In no time, the instructor and the trainee lifted up to a stable hover and taxied slowly to the runway, and I stood there and watched, and inspite of the fact that I wasn’t in the cockpit, it was a relief to see the aircraft fly as I knew, I would get a chance really soon as well!!
So its was 9.30am by now, and now and again they would practice approached onto the runway and the audience to see this had increased as well!! In the supposedly last approach onto the runway, the aircraft slightly went onto the grass. No, they didn’t land on grass, they were still hovering, but hearing a few others laugh, I sported a smile too!! The flying got over in a matter of minutes, and the aircraft was parked back in the hangar. We all went back to our respective stations. In some time, my instructor in his loud thunderous voice, called me by my name from far away, and everyone except me knew that if the instructor calls you by your name, you are going to have the time of your lives!! So I walked into his cabin, wondering what had happened, I started thinking of all the possibilities, is he going to take me for flying today? Is he going to let me wear a stripe on my uniform just like the others?? Is he going to ask me to study for the upcoming flights?? If none of this were the reasons, why would he call me??!!
I knocked on his door, and in a low tone asked, “Can I come in sir?”, he waved his hand angrily, signaling me to come in, I went in and stood like a rock beside the chairs kept for humans to sit in!! He kept quite and he was going through a file, after 10 minutes of me standing there, I impatiently said, “sir?”, He angrily roared, “You dare to laugh at me?”, “I will teach you a lesson today!!!”, to my defence, I said, “I would never do that sir!!”, to which he replied, “You bloody lying, back answering $$$$”, well I hope you know what dollar signs mean in this case!!. “So, you like grass huh!! I will make sure you live in it all day!!, follow me now”, he roared. I sat in his old ambassador, and he took me to the southern end of the runway, both of us got down, and he said, “Bend down”, and I bent down without any resistance, “Now start plucking grass one by one, and if you rise up, you will have it”, I started plucking grass, and he stood there watching with content. After a while, he took his vehicle and left, and in the scorching sun, I was left to pluck grass!! Now its just been 15 minutes of plucking grass, my back had begun to hurt, well now a broken self esteem didn’t matter to me at all!! I knew I was being watched, though he had gone away, after half an hour, my shirt was drenched in sweat and my back had gone numb and I kept plucking one by one.
I told to myself, a dialogue from the movie, Rocky, “Life’s not about how many times you take a hit, but its about how many times you take hit and still keep fighting”, well it was something like that. But did this help, NO!! It was evening now, and if someone brought all the grass I had plucked, I could pay this months rent!! The school helper came in his cycle, and said,”Chief has you to stand up and go home”, I didn’t say a word, neither did I look at him, I got up and walked home…
The world is not an easy place to live in, it can be brutal and cruel, it can break you and tear you into pieces, but tonight, I’m still breathing, my heart is till beating, I have made it through another day, and I will make it through many more. I will be just fine…